Somebody Lied to Santa.

A horrendous mistake was made, somebody told santa i had been good this year! The fat man spoiled me rotten. Here are some of the highlights:

• clothes
  that were a smaller size than i thought i was wearing, and they fit! eeek!
• a fun new board game
  want to come and play?
• giftcards
  to fuel my addiction to food, books, etc.
  
• a GORGEOUS throw for my couch
  actually, i helped santa by grabbing this at macys. but i got an amazing deal on it!
• the sneakers i had been wanting!!!!
  project butt shrink has commenced!
  
• and the biggest surprise of all, a brand new laptop!
  I am the proud owner of a state of the art way too fancy computer. I'm still learning my way around it...obviously

By far though, the biggest highlight of the holiday was hanging out with my nephew, Simon.

We had a GREAT time together. One day, it was just him and I as everyone else had to work. I decided to bribe him in an attempt to buy his love.

opening presents with him was a blast too! in fact, i think everyone should have a 3 year old with them when they open gifts. I don't think i'll ever do it the old way again. Everytime we handed him a gift, he'd throw his arms in the air and shout, "i got another one!!!!!" Then he would rip open the paper, and run over and help us rip open our paper too.

Christmas morning, he looked down the stairwell with a perplexed expression. "Where's Santa?" he asked. Since we had all told him santa was coming, he assumed that the big guy would be staying for a visit. At the very least, for breakfast.
He had asked Santa for a monster truck and a cow puzzle (omg, so cute. I mean really, a cow puzzle!) Santa definitely came through. Simon has about 11 monster trucks now, and cows, and puzzles (not necessarily a cow puzzle though, those are hard to come by when you're not in Wisconsin apparently)

The bad part about the holiday, was that I flew back on christmas. It sucked. We opened the presents, and before I had a chance to process, it was time to pack and go. (boo. never again.)

Overall, i am humbled by how generous everyone was (recession-schmession), and although certain people were very missed during the holiday, it was a wonderful christmas.

How was yours?

GPOYW

Puppies make terrible shirts -edition

inspired by elle and dave's newest addition, i thought i would give them some useful advice

My Very First Video!

Sometimes my talents even amaze myself.

Clearly there's a long, successful future for me in this.

my meal is often a reflection of the mood i'm in.

Clearly, today's theme is "self loathing".

and yes, i put my value meals on a plate. because i'm fancy.

GPOYW

Christmas Card circa. 2006 -edition

happy holidays y'all!

Office Party Recap

Last week, we had our Annual Office Holiday Party.

It's in the rathskeller* of The Great Dane.

There's good food, great company, and everyone gets a whopping two drink tickets (wom-womp).

The highlight of the night is Yankee Swap.

Everyone brings something to re-gift (you're encouraged to not buy anything). And the wide-spectrum these items entail is fascinating. My personal contribution may or may not have come from the lost-and-found at work...

Everyone takes a number, and you stand in front of everyone and open a gift when it's your turn. Once opened, you can choose to keep your gift, or trade with someone who's already opened. If you do that, they're stuck with your gift. But there's always the chance that your prize will be swapped later, and you never know what you may end up with at the end of the night.

The gift i opened was made up of lots of little gifts. (i think the gift giver was trying to clean out her closets). I got 3 field guides from the audubon society, a book on tape called "Grammar for Success", and 3 old board games, the best of which is tittle 'Uncle Willy'.

I am deathly afraid of birds, talk in horribly improper english, and loooove board games. This gift was hilarious.

However, there were lots of people there who love hiking and bird watching (hey, it's Madison after all), so it appeared my gift was a hot commodity. People were campaigning for me to trade with them. None of the offers were too enticing though. Until one coworker upped the antie: "I'll throw-in my second drink ticket!"

SOLD!
(although, i was sad to give away Uncle Willy)

In the end, I wound up with a bottle of 3-buck chuck, some garden staples (?), and that coveted 3rd drink voucher!

The best prize of the night was a plastic shepherd boy from one of those light-up nativity scenes. Apparently, it was purchased at the thrift store awhile ago, and has stood proudly in one of the department's offices for quite sometime. They had lovingly named it, Larry the Virgin.
Unknowingly, the department-head had taken it as her yankee swap gift. You should have seen everyone's reactions when they saw it unwrapped and realized that she was giving it away. It was like you came home and your mom had given away your puppy.

Needless to say, it was constantly being fought-over and traded the whole night. Fortunately, it did get rescued by the original department. Larry and I hung out the rest of the night.

and now...PICTURES!


victorious with my prizes! (i gave away the lawn staples...)


"Oh, hey. What's up larry the virgin? You come here often?"


"I totally understand your love of sheep...it's the same way i feel about 3-buck chuck!"


"You want a taste of my delicious beer?"


Oops! I guess we had too much delicious beer

I know what you're thinking, and you're absolutely right... My eyebrows do look really good in these pictures!

Needless to say, the party was a blast. What are YOUR office parties like?

*which i just learned is german for basement.

Toot. Toot.

What's that you say? I wrote all about how i was trying to lose weight in September, and then failed to ever give you any results?

What? You've been holding your breath and sitting on the edge of your seat this whole time?

Well, it's time for you to exhale and recline.

And it's time for me to toot my own horn!

Over the month of September, via lean cuisines and regular exercise, i was able to lose 10 lbs in a month!

In total, i've lost 40lbs since moving to Madison. I'm officially down 2 pant sizes, although my "skinny" pants are getting loose!!!!! (eeek!)

Here's some really depressing 'before' pictures:


if it's even possible to look past our awesome sweaters... i'm the bloated one on the end.




and some current ones:


while i love that this shows off the slimmer waist... my face looks quite fat (the photographer is about 14" shorter than me:) hence the following "skinny faced" photos.





To celebrate, i've treated myself to several shopping sprees. In fact, i can't stop buying clothes, since I seem to look amazing everything i try on (it's just my cross to bear i guess). I've gone christmas shopping about 4 times, and i've yet to buy gifts for anyone. But somehow i keep coming home with a new wardrobe.

Spoiler alert: all loved ones are getting IOU's. You're welcome.

Disclosure: these results don't include the caloric binge i've been on the for the past week. Damn you holiday treats and parties!

No Touchy.

My personal space issues are being ignored lately.

Look, it's not that I don't like you. I would just appreciate you more if you were further away.

Call it a neurosis, call it a phobia, call it whatever you wish. But say it from a respectable distance.

Let's just pretend that there's a 14" invisible protective bubble surrounding me.

And for that matter, let's pretend there's a protective layer around my things too. Maybe if you'd like to see something of mine, you could ask first? I'm probably guaranteed to say yes, but it would still be nice if you asked.

I'm not a germaphobe. I'm not scared of any diseases i may catch from you.
I know how to share, and i'd be more than happy to.

But i don't want to be touched. I don't want to smell your halitosis. I don't want you to grab my stuff and man-handle it.

Can't we all just get along? 

From a good 3 feet apart?

Secret Snowflake Revealed

At work, a couple departments participate in Secret Snowflake annually. (Don't kid yourself, it's secret santa, we just changed the name because we're madison)

This year i was really excited about the ridiculously corny theme I came up with, and i've been dying to share it with you! I've had to bite my tongue for a whole 2 weeks, less my identity be revealed. But no more!

Here are the gifts and clues that coworker has been finding in her mailbox for a fortnight.
(sorry the pictures are crappy. Odd; you'd think my crappy cell phone and dimly lit apartment would make a perfect photo studio...)

1) Unfortunately, you're clues will only get cheesier from here on out.


2) I glove you.


3) You're delightful.


4) Sorry this gift socks.


5) You bowl me over with your awesomeness.


And for my final gift, a note that said,
we both know this game was a big pile of...


Can you believe she figured out who i was?! harrumph.
Something about the cheesiness of the jokes giving me away.
I guess my reputation precedes me.

GPOYW

I'm a bookmark! -edition

Gorgeous.

Seriously, how amazing does my mom look?



In a decade where "cheesy 70's bride" was the norm, she looks flawless. I honestly can't find anything to make fun of in this picture.

Now my dad's tux on the other hand...

Well, we'll just have to hope that Brother can email me some of those hilarious photos to share with all of you.

(hint: It involves a ruffled shirt and bowtie the size of my steering wheel)

No Idea How/Why This Conversation Started

The parking lot attendant recommended this book to me.



Husband better watch out.

spoiler alert: she told me women are crazy BECAUSE men are stupid.

On a related note, parking downtown is fun!

Knowledge is Power

Ok. I have gotten quite a few emails from people who wanted to comment on a post, but couldn't figure out how.

Here is my handy-dandy instructional guide:
for those of you who already know how, this post is useless to you. Just use it as an opportunity to observe my awesome instructional skills.

1. click on the comment link, located on the bottom-right corner of each post
2. You have now entered the enchanting, comment page.
   
   
   
3. you can type your ingenious, witty banter in the box on the top-left side
   
4. You may be prompted to retype the characters you see floating in a box. Don't fret, just retype them underneath. (This helps keep all the spammy-spammers away)
   
   
5. Underneath the box, you will see a section called "choose an identity".
6. Select the button next to Name/URL
   
   
7. Type your name (skip the URL part)
   
8. Then click on the orange box, "Publish Your Comment"
9. And viola! you're done!

It is important/helpful that you provide a name. It could even be a pseudonym. I mean, if you want to comment as "spanky the sarcastic zygote", well then more power to you. As long as you're consistent. All i ask is that you don't post as anonymous. It's annoying. [Read: mom, stop posting as anonymous]

So, bring on the love (and hate) mail! It's always nice to get feedback. Good luck, and god speed. And, if all else fails, feel free to keep contacting me in anyway you see fit!

You Be The Judge

Preface: it all started when I went to Target to buy pajama's for the staff slumber party (pictures to come....so stop harassing me, erin):

There i was, surrounded by aisles of glorious flannel, when I saw something that caught my eye. It appeared to be a dress... but what was it doing in the sleepwear aisle?

I drew closer for further inspection. And from where I was standing, it was clearly a belted shirt dress. However, the tag had it labeled as sleepwear. And it was plaid flannel.

I was torn. Do i honor it's suggestion as a sleeping garment? i mean, honestly, WHO would sleep in a belt? communists*, that's who.

This probably goes without saying, but I realize i am not a fashonista.
I know as much about currents trends as i do about hockey.

nada. nilch. zip. zero.

The sad truth is that i LOVED the shirt-dress/nightgown thing. It's the softest fabric in the world, and all i wanted to do was stick my face in it, nuzzle it, and have it tell me that i'm pretty and special.

So, i bought it. With no intention of wearing it to sleep in.

Nay, i wanted to wear it in public.

And i have to say, i am kinda loving it.

But i need your help.

Am i crazy? (and, let's just focus on the topic at hand, and not list the multitude of ways i am obviously insane)

Chauncey-the-double-chin is in full force in these photos.
Yet another one of the many cons of having a person 7ft shorter than you take your picture.



So internet, did i make it work?
or does this go into my ever-expanding "what was i thinking" pile?

and come on, you kind of have to admit that even if you hate it, you love that i wore pj's to work.

*you can interchange this with whatever group you see fit. Nazis more your speed? done!

Because My Mom Taught Me to Share

here are some of my newest obsessions:

The Daily Baxter

learn about the day-to-day going-ons of this tibetan terrier. Told from his point of view. Adorable!

The Pioneer Woman

ok, i realize i am a little late to hop onboard the pioneer woman bandwagon. But i have discovered what i was missing and have converted whole heartedly! Ree Drummond shares recipes, photography, and stories from her life on her cattle ranch.

White Collar Redneck
This blog isn't for everyone (read: mom and dad, you won't like it). But the easiest way to win my heart is to be hilarious, sarcastic, and sporadically inappropriate. Join Narm in his adventures through life in Cleveland.


You're Welcome.

Happy Hanukkah

But seriously, why has no one brought me any latkes?
And furthermore, why is no one else concerned about this??

My Feet are Cold

but I could only find one of each slipper


guess which pair's mine

I Would Cry,

But My Tears would Freeze

Schnow Day: Part Deux

How to have fun home alone on a snow day:

Go outside

take pictures of yourself simulating "having fun"

the arm in the air really helps!

switch to other arm, just to prove how much fun you're having


take pictures of the really pretty scenery




pretend to eat the snow

but don't let it actually touch your teeth, ow!

play hide-and-seek with your car

ten points if you find it. want to come shovel it out tomorrow?

if all else fails, you can:

• watch crappy daytime tv
• do laundry
• have a girl-y makeover
  
• watch more crappy daytime tv
• spend way too much time emailing photos from your phone to your blog
• curse said crappy programming
• drink alone

and, of course

• get really, REALLY depressed at tomorrow's forecast
  

two words i DEFINITELY don't like together: Arctic Blast.

Schnow Day.

Well, it's official. The world has shut down in Wisconsin. The snow looks glorious, but the blizzard advisory & 40mph winds are not as fun.

The powder is too fine to make a snowman with, it won't compact very well, but these IS something that this snow is perfect for: Snow Cream!

I have learned some very troubling information this past week. No one in Madison seems to know what snow cream is!

Everyone at work looked at me like I was crazy when I started describing it. Understandably upset by this, I went home and told Husband about this troubling revelation.

Me: You're NOT going to believe this! No one here has ever heard of snowcream!
Husband: What's snowcream?

GAH! Are you KIDDING me?!?!

I am VERY troubled by this, I mean, you guys reading this have heard of snow cream, right? RIGHT??

In case you haven't, I am going to rid you of your ignorance here and now:

Snow Cream is a delicious icecream-like substance made of fresh snow.

You take a bowl of fresh snow and add a little sugar, vanilla, and milk. You stir it up to a blended creamy consistency, and then enjoy to your hearts content!

As a child, snow cream went hand-in-hand with building a snowman, making snow angels, throwing snow balls, etc. It was just what you did when it snowed. No ifs ands or buts.

Actually, that's not true. The one exception was if you couldn't find any clean looking snow. I mean, you obviously don't want to be picking pine needles, leaves, and whatnot out of your wintery treat. Most kids preferred the snow from the hood of the car, but if you're a freak (like me) you would set out a mixing bowl the night before to collect all the uncontaminated fresh powder*

My original intention was to find a youtube video to properly educate you all. But as we know, most instructional youtube vidoes are made by crazies. They were all horribly annoying, and i do not wish to subject you to them. Fortunately, like any good youtube adventure i got distracted and am now able to bring you this video instead. enjoy!



and you can click here if you actually want to watch the terrible video recipe.

And, one final gift i will provide you. To say that i lived in a super fun house during college would be putting it mildly. There never seemed to be fewer than 8 people in our house at a time, and there was always something going on.

During my sophomore year, UT closed for snow for the 1st time in decades, and everyone celebrated joyously. My roomates decided to make snow cream, but they decided just making snow cream wouldn't be special enough. No, they needed to wear special outfits whilst making it. Please enjoy the following, and beware what you are about to observe is magical, and once you see it, there's no going back to the life you knew before.



My favorite part about this photo is that i am in the front, bending down, trying to hide the fact that i live here/ know these people.

However, the outfits must have worked. The snow cream was delicious.


* i mean relatively uncontaminated... The snow was still probably cousins with acid rain.

GPOYW

after a three year hiatus, i finally have contacts again!! -edition



but DAMN you eye wrinkles!!! i am unable to hide you behind glasses anymore!

argh.

There's No Business Like Snow Business

Sorry this post is a bit sappy. but eh, that's the mood i'm in today:

Let me tell you about one of the key differences between Wisconsin and The South.

In The South, when it snows (or even threatens to snow), everyone is really excited because the world will cease turning and you get an entire day free. It doesn't matter if it's only 1/2 an inch, or that the snow might not come at all. If any weatherman mentions the S-word, bam! you get a free day. No work, no school, no responsibilities of anykind. It's the one day that all people, from all walks of life can agree on something: snowdays are the best!

The crappy party about here, is that the nothing is put on pause for the snow. No one even gets excited about it. It's just another hindrance to get through your day.

There are a few exceptions of course. When it threatens 12" and no one thinks the plow trucks will get to clear the roads on time, you might just get your wish and have a day off.

Last year, those Snow Days were hands-down one of the best parts of my life.

You see Husband and I are both in professions that give us the day-off for snow. And those were the only days off we ever had together. (being that we have different weekday schedules and all)

In true southern form, we would rush to the grocery store the night before the storm. (and by the way, NO ONE does that here. How weird, I thought buying milk and bread when it snowed was the same as boiling water and ripping sheets when someone was having a baby...). We would get enough groceries for 3 days, and rent a couple movies.

We had this tradition of making potato soup with a baguette every snow day. Then snuggle on the couch and watch movies, and usually go frolic in the snow (... for about 30 minutes, until our clothes were soaked and our lips were blue). Lacking a fireplace, we would even watch youtube videos of roaring fires while we sipped delicious hot beverages; cocoa for me, cider for him.

They were such wonderful days, I will always think back on those as some of the best times I've had in Wisconsin.

I say all this because it sounds like this Wednesday will be one of those epic snow days, and it looks like I'll be alone for it. I'm going to try my best to enjoy it and not mope, but I will definitely be thinking about those lovely snow filled days of last year and remembering them fondly.

I Can't Decide If I'm Angela or Phyllis.

We're having 3 company parties within the next two weeks. Two of which I am helping plan. Of course, I have decided to jazz it up office-style and have now dubbed my co-workers and i the Party Planning Committee*

I'm really excited about these endeavors.

The first party (the one i'm not helping plan), is the company-wide staff holiday party. It's at a bar (yay!) and everyone brings a gift for yankee swap**

The next party is Slumber Party Themed! Everyone will show up in their pj's and we're doing pajama party activities and then a pj pubcrawl! There will be spooky scary ghost stories, a board game tournament, glamorous makeovers, and a prize for the best pjs! (although, we did ask that people who sleep in the buff to please wear some clothes)
And in true slumber party fashion, we've already warned that pranks will be played on those who do not show up, so they can all expect some glorious prank calls on their voicemails and teepee on their desks :)

and lastly, two departments are participating in secret santa... but in true madison form, we've changed the name to secret snowflake.
For the next two weeks, myself and 13 other co-workers will be sneaking around leaving gifts and clues for our person, and red herring fake-gifts for others to throw them off the scent. The event will culminate at a potluck party where your secret snowflake's identity will be revealed and you receive your "big" gift (and i am using that term loosely as we set a $10 limit. It's so not about the present, the fun is in the participation!)
Words cannot express how excited i am about this event. I loooved it last year, and i am thrilled at the person I picked this year!
Dear _____, you've been warned. Bwahaha!
And to jazz the "reveal" party even more, we've made it tacky christmas sweater themed!!!
Nothing i own is tacky (ha!), so I am heading to st. vinnie's to see what glorious outfits i can buy for $1.
If only i had access to my mom's closet, i would have so many options...
mom has just read this, and is returning any gifts she bought me for christmas. Something tells me I will now be getting coal.

I'll be sure to provide updates and pictures from each party as they come!

*Naturally, green streamers are out because green is whorish.
If you don't watch The Office, don't bother trying to understand the previous statement, just go ahead and be offended.
**or, as michael scott would say: "Yaaaankee swap"

First Snow.

The first one is always nostalgic.



It's the 19th one that makes you irritable.

GPOYW

London Tunnel Edition


Here's my secret to success: Go study abroad, and refuse to buy any paraphernalia from the actual university you attended. Instead, travel to oxford for the sole intention of buying a sweatshirt so that when you return the the states, people can implicitly think you're really, really smart.

See how well that's worked for me so far? I am ridiculously successful, duh.

Let The Countdown Begin!

In a weak attempt to get in the spirit of things, i will try to make my next few posts holiday related.

Although there are plenty that I look forward to, these are the movies that i absolutely have to see during the holidays:

Home Alone


It's A Wonderful Life



A Charlie Brown Christmas


Christmas Vacation


A Christmas Story


Am I missing any essentials? What are your favorite Christmas movies?