A Proper Goodbye.

I realized that I never gave this sweet blog the farewell it deserved. I stopped posting on it years ago, but rather than give it a final goodbye, I just ignored it
I started this blog as a lost soul, navigating her way through the world, and the Midwest. By the time I finished this blog, I had a new last name. A new boyfriend. A new career. And had lost 4 pant sizes. I now know my way around wisconsin, and a bratwurst. I won’t pretend this blog has been shakespear-level writing, but it was the platform I needed to rediscover myself.

I posted this picture recently on facebook:

Shelley when the blog began, and shelley now

The Shelley now doesn’t need this blog. but she’s so thankful it was around. 

So I want to give this little blog the 21 gun salute it deserves. To tell it thank you. Thank you for being a life raft when my life was sinking. For giving me something to cling onto. A point of focus.

So this is where I bid it, and you, adieu. As my farewell, I’ve decided to see if I can possibly help someone else. See if they can learn from my mistakes, and my successes. In truth, I’m really writing this to 2008 Shelley. But in case there’s anyone out there like me. Who measured their self-worth by the 3 digit number on the scale. Who decided that fat meant unloveable. Who wanted to lose weight, but needed someone to believe in them (turns out, you don’t need anyone else. Just believe in yourself). In case there’s anyone out there, here you go.

My tips for being a healthier, happier you.

work out. a lot. That whole philosophy of “Why can’t i lose weight?! I’ve tried EVERYTHING!” when you know that you actually only worked out for 3 days is no longer going to cut it. Work out everyday for an hour to lose weight, giving yourself one day's rest. And once you’ve reached your happy-size, continue to hit the gym 3-4 times a week for a minimum of 30 minutes to maintain.

don’t set goals.
you're looking at me and saying, “schwaaa?” I know it sounds silly, but hear me out. Giving yourself the goal of “I need to be a size __ by my sister’s wedding!” can go one of two ways.

1) you don’t achieve that goal in time (because I have a feeling you set a ridiculous goal of losing 4 dress sizes in 2 months), and you feel like crap at the wedding. when in fact, you’re a size smaller than when you started!
or...

2) you DO manage to achieve the goal. What do people do when they’ve crossed the finish line? they stop running. You fit into that dream dress! You’re proud of yourself! You decide, “I deserve a break from all this hard work.” Before you know it, you haven’t exercised in 6 months, and you are out of napkins with which to wipe the pizza grease from your chin.

If there’s no “end” in sight, you will always continue to challenge yourself and improve.

drink water. it sounds silly. Of course you drink water. But drink more. All the time. It is the easiest trick in the book. Want to have healthy, hydrated cells? Want your skin to glow? Want to feel amazing? Drink water from the moment you wake up to the moment you go to bed. Find out what it’s like to feel fully hydrated, and then keep that feeling going at all times.
When I look back at “old me,” I can’t believe the number of times I quenched my thirst with sodas and such. Do I still drink coffee and soda? Absolutely (and beer!). But I keep a constant flow of water in me, and the extras are only as treats, not as part of my main hydration philosophy.
And drink a lot of water. I’m serious. Bulk up your water intake, and the weight will start to fall off.

go to bed. I don’t mean: pass out in front of the TV for awhile, wake up, and stumble to your bed. I mean, physically make the effort to go to bed. Put on PJ’s, brush your teeth, wash your face, and give yourself a bed time. And while you’re at it, use nice, clean sheets and splurge on some actual pajamas. Get yourself a nice bedside lamp too, so that you don’t have to suffer under your glaring overhead ceiling light (that’s too bright but the effort to get out the ladder and put in a lower watt bulb sounds too complicated).

Remember that spa you went to that one time, and it was such a peaceful relaxing sanctuary that you wanted to curl into a ball on the floor and never leave? Give yourself that. Your own little spa-santuary in the comfort of your own bedroom.
A full 8hrs of sleep allows your body the necessary rest and revival it needs. Healthy people sleep. And when you climb into that bed; make sure there’s no TVs/Tablets/electronic devices of any kind on to stimulate your brain. Give yourself a relaxing moment before your blissful sleep experience. Utilize this time to practice thoughtful meditation techniques. Rubbish you say? Then read a book for 20 minutes. An actual book (no electronics, remember?), and no more than 20 minutes, or if you’re like me, you’ll get too interested and stay up all night reading.

brush & floss. Look, I have no true scientific reasoning behind this one. All I know is the same moment I began to take care of my body, I also started a good oral regimen, so I’d be remiss if there was a correlation and I failed to mention it.
I do know that proper flossing is linked to reduce the risk of heart disease; and it stands to reason that people who make the effort to take care of their teeth probably make an effort to take care of their life.

eat produce. another super simple one. But one you aren’t currently doing, am I right? And no, vegetables sitting atop your cheeseburger doesn’t count.

Stop in the produce section of your grocery store, and take a good look around. How many of those items are staples in your diet? Buy more of them, and try new ones. There’s a whole exciting leafy green (and red! and blue! and yellow!) world out there, waiting for you to discover.

realize your value.At some point in my life, I decided I was a hopeless case. And I gave up on myself. I put all my time, energy, and effort into other’s-- into my loved ones that I still had hope for. That doesn’t work. You have to love yourself, believe in yourself, if you ever want other’s to do the same. Want that dream job? A gorgeous engagement ring from the boyfriend? Why would they invest in you, if you’re not willing to invest in yourself? Decide that you are worth getting healthy. You are.

invest in your self-worth.

this goes back to the previous part. If you’re not willing to invest in yourself, you can’t expect anyone else to either. Take a good, hard look at yourself, and decide that you ARE worth those super fancy running shoes. That you ARE worth the expensive produce at the grocery store. That the gym membership in fact costs less than all the restaurant meals you’ve been buying. You’re WORTH the cost of all these things, and you’ll feel great as a result.

diagnose the outside factors.
stress eating? there are factors outside of yourself that might be impacting you. Take a step back, look at your life as a whole, and diagnose the issues. Is your house too cluttered? Is your job the equivalent of a 2,000lbs elephant sitting on your chest? Is your mother-in-law criticising every single move you make WHEN YOU’RE JUST TRYING TO BE NICE FOR CHRIST’S SAKE??? Write down the issues in your life causing you stress. Look at the list pragmatically. Figure out ways to fix the ones you can, and “let go” of the ones you can’t. When in doubt, I say the Serenity Prayer:
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.”
It might take me an entire lifetime to find the “wisdom to know the difference,” but I’m trying, dammit, and that’s all I can do. It’s all any of us can do.

meditate.
This is where 67% of you roll your eyes and say, “enough, hippie!”-- but hear me out. As Americans, our society doesn’t often take the time we need to mentally process life. Our free time is filled with TV, internet, and other forms of delightful rubbish. All things I love. But, there’s a reason(s) you got fat, and you owe it to yourself to work through those issues. And a distracted mind can’t do that.
You can do the traditional meditation, I love it! I never feel as “in control” of my life as when I devote 20 minutes a day, twice a day to sitting in peaceful stillness. However, for those who are sceptical, take it a different route. Sit in dark/quiet and do 5 minutes of control deep breathing.
Or when you’re going for your walk, Unplug. Use the time to think about yourself, to think about life. If you think about “bad stuff”, push yourself in your workout and help your body and mind process through those.

get help.

Personally, I’ve dealt with depression on and off for several years. That was a large mitigating factor as to why I got big in the 1st place. I can not overemphasize the importance therapy had in my life. Granted, when I decided to change my life, I was also dealing with a terrible break-up and career change, but either way, There’s something to be said about talking with an outside third party who won’t judge you. Who will listen. Who you can dump everything on, and you won’t lose their friendship over it. Besides, at some point, your friends/loved-ones really do get tired of that whole “woe is me” attitude. Let someone else--someone you pay-- hear it from you instead.

“Bank” the good.
This one is so important. There will be times in your life when you’re feeling superbly happy, beautiful, and confident. And there will be times when you are the saddest that anyone has ever been in the history of existence. Take advantage of the good times, and write them down. Write yourself a letter. Set a “way to go, me!” calendar event to surprise your future self with, make lists of why you rock. You’ll need them during the down times, and you’ll be oh-so grateful you took the time to bank those little reminders of how truly awesome you are.

never, ever give up. the is single handedly the most important component of your life changing adventure. There is never a better time than now to start-- It’s true, because you’re only getting older. And if you give up, what happens then? Are you really accepting that you want to be this size your whole life? Don’t let yourself decide that maybe “someday” you’ll try again. Get back on the damn horse. There will be setbacks. You will lose and gain the same 5lbs a million times. You might have various pant sizes in your closet to cover fat days and skinny days (hell, i sometimes have fat hours and skinny hours), but you need to remember where you began, and where you are now.

No matter what, you’re winning. Way to go, you.


And with that, I say farewell. I’m sure I’ll be back on the interwebs again in some capacity, I like writing too much to give it up forever. But in the meantime, it’s been a pleasure, y’all.

Oh God, what have i done?

I am not an athlete.

Sure, i've finally learned that frequent exercise is the key to healthy living. And sure, I'd like to live a long, healthy life.

But exercise isn't something i generally look forward to. It's something i do because i need to.

And yet, if you looked at my calendar for the next week, you'd think exercise.was.my.life.
Seriously, you'd think i eat, sleep, and breathe workouts. Check it:

• Tomorrow morning (at SIX am!): Couch to 5k-week 5, workout 2
• Tomorrow night: Adult Kickball League
• Friday evening at 6pm: Couch to 5k- week 5, workout 3
• Sunday morning: Hot yoga
  
• Monday midday: couch to 5k- start week 6! (fingers crossed)
• Monday evening: Pole Dancing Class (groupon...my parents will be so proud)
• Tuesday night: Beach Volleyball League
• Wednesday night: Couch to 5k
• Thursday night: Kickball
• Friday night: Couch to 5k

AAAAAAHHHHHHH!

I seriously have no idea how i'm going to survive this! If you've got tips, i'm all ears*

*hopefully, i'll finally start seeing some RESULTS! i mean, i have to. clearly there's no time for me to eat in between!

• 
  

follicles.

Here's a factual statement: I used to have great hair.

I'm serious. It was soft, voluminous, and unique. Women paid $$$ to replicate it, and it turned the most glorious shade of copper in the sunlight.

Sigh, but that is a past tense statement.

You see, my tresses were born and raised in The South. Unlike most woman, it absolutely thrived in humidity. It kept it moisturized, and -rather than being frizzy- made it just poofy enough.

My hair absolutely sucks at living in The Midwest. It's flat, it's stringy, and it's unwilling to cooperate in anyway. (g'ah, it's such a woman sometimes!)

There is a mop on my head, posing as my hairstyle.

I'm fed-up, and i've tried almost everything i can think of.

I'm close to waiving the white flag of surrender. I'll just live in the glory days of my past, and remind you all that, I used to have great hair.

(moment of silence for the hair. I think i hear Taps playing in the far-off distance)

c25k

I've been doing the Couch to 5k- a training program that ideally changes lazy-admirers like me into runners. In nine weeks, you should go from a non-runner, to successfully running a 5k.

I'm not an athlete, but the idea of running a 5k has always appealed to me. I might not enjoy running, but i do enjoy teeshirts. So signing up for a 5k seems like the perfect way to fuel my addiction.

I've been doing it for 6 weeks. In theory, i should be 2/3 of the way done, but i'm not.

Not even close.

Turns out, i am terrible at running. I mean, awful. When you start this program, you think: "i only have to run for 60 seconds. Even i can do that!"
But for me, it's not true. I'm must have missed a very essential day in P.E. where we were taught how to run.

Here's how my workout has broken down:
(realtime:workout)

• week 1: week 1
• week 2: skipped (out of town)
• week 3: week 2....poorly
• week 4: repeat week 2....slightly better
• week 5: week 3....poorly
• week 6: repeat week 3, but outside!

At this rate, i'll hopefully be done with the 2 month program before 2011 ends.

But i recently learned that i prefer running outside. Who knew? I mean, granted my "run" is probably slower than an average person's "walk", but... it's babysteps* people!

I'll keep you posted on how i do...but i'm pretty sure that by the time i'm finished the internet will have been replaced by cooler technology, so i'm not sure how i'll contact you; but we'll cross that bridge when i run across it!

*which, ironically, is a very accurate description of what my run looks like.

To trim or not to trim?

last November, i decided to throw caution to the wind, get a little bit naughty, and get BANGS!

that's right, legitimate, honest to gosh, bangs. the kind i hadn't rocked since i was 12.

i had thought about it for a while, and i decided that since i could embrace skinny leg jeans, why not go all in and embrace bangs too.

I've been home-trimming them for awhile now, but they're back to that awkward over-the-eyes stage.

And i'm not certain that i want them to be a permanent fixture in my life. They've been lots of fun, but I can't decide if i want to trim or grow.

So interwebs, what's the answer?

let's not take into account the fact that i am obviously heftier in the current photos. I'm working on it! it's alot easier to gain weight than it is to lose it, who knew?

before bangs:

with bangs:

current, side swept bangs:

Alright people, you be the judge!

Ouchie.

As promised, here's the details about my car.

It was parked on the side of the road, quietly minding it's own business, when a mean ol' semi decided to bully it.

The semi didn't realize it hit me, and drove away. Thank GOD the postman saw it happen and called it in. They found the guy who hit me, and [after a week of run around] he took full responsibility for the accident and is paying for the repairs.

For now, i'm rockin this little gal. She's nice and all, but she's not mine.

It's been a month, i miss my car.

Umm.

What the hell is wrong with the people who created this commercial?

We WILL NOT stand for this...

forget unions and paycuts, I've found the real problem

Intolerable. Who will stand with me? #solidarity

Have You Heard about This?

The Protests in Wisconsin

I'm curious as to what the rest of the country has heard.

I know we finally broke CNN, and was on the cover of the New York Times; but have you guys really heard anything about this?

I work exactly 20 ft from the protests, so I am fully immersed in it.

the protesters are riding the bus with me to work.

I am hearing the marches from my office window.

It's allover the news.

and, like cairo, twitter's spurring most of the movement.

And it's quite exhilarating.

Here's my very (ill)informed breakdown:

1) walker gets elected gov on a ballot of getting out of debt, starts position last month
2) last week, walker announcing sweeping legislation for this year's budget:

• state employees would have to start paying into their benefits, essentially a 6% paycut per person.
• the main reason people are upset, is it completely negates any unions bargaining rights

3)this week has seen over 30,000 protesters visit the capital.

• a large number of those being teachers
• schools have been closed for the past 3 days

4)The vote was supposed to take place yesterday

• it passed the joint finance committee and was sent to the senate floor
  
• the democrat senators knew they didn't have enough "no" votes, so instead, they refused to attend. the vote couldn't be held because the there weren't enough senators to hold a vote.
• the madison capital police went to round up the dem. senators and require them to vote, but they had fled the state and were hiding in an undisclosed location in Illinois.
• It's basically a way to buy time, the vote will still be held.

exciting stuff, no? it's playing out like a movie.

I'm not going to get into any of my opinions here.
But as someone who adored poli sci in college, it's been very exciting for me to bear witness to the events unfolding.

and the signs have been pretty entertaining too

my personal favorite was, "100% of teachers protesting here have a higher education than governor walker"

So tell me, what have you guys heard?

Snail's Speed

So my car got hit on Monday. My parked car. Apparently a semi was making a left, and the back corner of his trailer wanted to stab a huge gash from tip to tip of my car. awesome.

But that's not what this post is about.

No, that post will come later, because I'm currently in limbo with the driver's insurance co. My poor baby is parked on the side of the street, freezing, shivering, scared and alone with a giant hole in her paneling. Poor Girl.

This post is about something else. This post is about what my life has succumb to because my car is currently dormant.

I don't live far from downtown. A mere 3.5 miles from the capital. But in the winter time, it may as well be 2 states away, because there's no way in hell that I'm walking or biking in zero degree weather.

When the temperature drops below 20, and the snow accumulation rises about 6", my car becomes my lifeline.

Sure, i still ride the bus to work --i mean, i work downtown after all....and am wickedly poor-- but beyond that, my world gets big. Everything becomes a car ride away.

Gone are the days where i walk 11 miles in a day, pick restaurants for their proximity to my apartment (i.e. intoxicated walks home), or bike the the grocery store.

So when my car became unavailable, my world suddenly came to a hault.

All week long, i've come home and been at the mercy of people giving me rides.

They'd invite me places, and i'd respond "i'd love to go...if you don't mind picking me up"

God bless them, they have been picking me up. they've been beyond wonderful, but the thing is we've always been heading in the same direction.

Now, i need to run my errands, and I'm not the kind of person to ever ask someone to cart me around.

So today was a new experience for me. I knew all the things i needed to get, and i knew all the places i wanted to get them....all on the westside, a 15+ minute drive away.

Clearly, me walking down the beltline is not an option, so it was time for me to get creative.

I'm lucky to live near monroe street, and I'm no stranger to trader joes.
I'm also no stranger to the many amazing restaurants by me.

What i am a stranger to, embarrassingly, are all the little local shops in my section of town.

I'd always strolled past them, thinking they were cute, but never bothered to stop in.

Today, all that changed.

I was able to check off everything on my shopping list, as well as find cute new things i didn't even know i needed, and all with the peace of mind of supporting local business.

The stores were adorable. The employees were far more friendly, caring, and attentive than their big chain competitors.

I found myself stopping in almost every store i walked by, just for the fun of experiencing them.

It took me 90 minutes to walk 11 blocks. And it was utterly enjoyable.

And I could kick myself for not having done this sooner.

As someone who always spews the phrase "support your local restaurants. i guarantee you, any chain you like, i can find you a better, local alternative"; it's about time i focused on the importance of supporting my local stores too.

My world has finally gotten smaller again.

....and i can't wait for warmer weather (sorry, just needed to get that off my chest too)

I won't even pretend this post has a theme (or title)

I wanted to let you all know that i've done something drastic...

I've left facebook.

I realize this might come as a shock to some of you, given that i've been on it at least once a day (usually, several more) since 2004, the year it started.

I was due for a cleanse. A facebook colonic, if you will.*

In this, the month of actually sticking to new year's resolutions, i decided it was time for a detox.

It needed to be cold turkey. I'm not one who's able to simply ignore it's presence, we needed to break-up.

I've been facebook free for a week now, and I'm starting to like it.

at first, like all good addicts, i was obsessive. I had the shakes and kept day dreaming of getting to login.

But now, now i am liberated. I honestly don't spend that many evenings at home, but the ones that i have, have been super productive.

And that was the whole reason for getting off facebook. I still love social media, but there are quite a few aspects of my personal life that have needed attention. My to-do list has been piling-up, and I've been able to procrastinate for months by wasting hours online.

Since i've been off facebook-only for a week, mind you- it's amazing what i've already accomplished.

don't worry, this isn't a permanent fixture. I'll sign back in eventually, but i have a couple personal goals that i need to accomplish before i "treat" myself to that.

So there you go, the truth's out. In other news:

This is what my dinner looked like.

spinach, celery, and cucumber

Speaking of detox, my body has been screaming at me for all the crap i've loaded it with since thanksgiving. We're going on a but of a cleanse too, eh.

and finally, since i was kind enough to update you on the upstairs bathroom. here's what the 1/2 bath now looks like.

Pretty!

*you're all welcome for that visual.

pretty!

It's finished, and it's glorious.

wisconsin.

What else do i need to do to be considered an actual wisonsiner? (in lieu of, you know, actuallygetting my wisconsin driver's license)

my list of accomplishments thus far:

• head-up north to a cabin for the weekend (done, several times over)
• go to a brewer's game
• call all illinois drivers fib's. (or the even more creative fishtab*)
• go to a packer's game
• go ice skating
• drink wisconsin beer
  
• say, "oh yeah, you betcha" all the time

Things i still need to do:

• go to a uw football game
• and hockey game
• visit door county
• tour more breweries
• visit the northwoods and great lakes

there's parts of me though, that will always be southern.

beyond my well-documented affection for the word "y'all", i still can't stifle certain parts of my upbringing. for example:

i was hosting knitting club the other week (no, i can't knit, but i'm really good at drinking wine while other people knit), so a friend and i went and picked up snacks. When we got back to my apartment, she just opened the bags of chips, and pulled the lids off the dips, and, figuring we were done, set them on the coffee table.

"Friend!", i chastised her, "that is not how we provide snacks for a gathering".

I proceeded to place everything in/on platters, thus making myself much happier.

did the food taste any better? no

did it quadruple the amount of dishes i dirtied? yes

but, being the fine southern woman that i am, i just can't accept the idea of not making my life appear nicer for company.

y'all should just be glad i didn't require sweet tea and cheese straws.

so eff it, maybe i'll never be a mid-westerner. but i'm becoming a pretty great hybrid of the two cultures. and hybrids are super trendy right now, right?

*f**king illinois sh*t head towing a boat

Ohh Boy.

first off, let me just say that while i realize that mentioning the yucky turn my life has taken was necessary, i really hate that it's what my blog has become. I knew that i needed to update you on that significant part of my life, but i also know that the purpose of this blog is for me to write about the meaningless drivel that occupies my brain. so let's get back to the basics, shall we?

secondly, i owe you all an apology. i know i've been ignoring you. there are many factors, not the least of which that my new job has left me an exhausted, shell of a human being. but i am working on it, and i will try to give you more of my time. you deserve it! so here goes nothin...

My parents have been talking about renovating their house for as long as i've known them. i never really thought much about, since they're big talkers...not so much big doers.

this past year though, their talking has been on steroids. everytime i see my dad, we've been going to the stores, looking at options for how to remodel parts of the house.

he even took it one step further and actually started purchasing items. Now, my father is not known to part with his wallet too often. so this step, this was cause for alarm.

but again, he was only buying items when he would find them on super sale. and i just knew it would take him years to buy up everything.

Besides, they have a habit of buying things on sale that they may need for their "future".

Have i told you about the dishwasher that was purchased 10 years ago, that still hasn't been installed because it's for their next house? seriously, it's still sitting in their garage. don't believe me? go check it out. i'll wait...

So finally, my dad actually makes the plunge. he announces that he's going to start work on the house.

The first job? remodeling the upstairs bathroom.

In the big scheme of things, the plan is remodel all 2 and 1/2 baths. redo the 1st floor floors (wood, with radiant heat) and redo the kitchen.

Mom has insisted that he finish the upstairs bathroom, so that they can move into the second floor, while the first floor is demolished.

So i get this picture a few days ago:

the next day, i get this one:

with the caption, "progress?"

to which i (obviously) respond, "what's the difference?"

My dad, god bless him, tells me, "i made the hole bigger"

oy vey.

Today (3 days later) i get this picture:

"what??? dad, where's the tub???"
(that was the only part he was planning on keeping, you see)

"eh. i decided to get rid of it. make it a 1/2 bath"

have i mentioned, dear readers, that this is the only bathroom on that floor, and that there are three bedrooms?????

"Dad, you have to have a tub! where would i bathe when i'm home"

"you sound just like your mother"

"well, she's a smart lady. listen to her on this one"

His response? This:

with the caption, "i just can't stop myself"

oh lord. help me. did i mention i'm going home for christmas?

....can i stay with your family?

Update

wow. thanks for the outpouring of support, guys.
I appreciate all the comments, calls, emails, i really do.
and honestly, I'm ok. It's just that my overall happy nature is being overshadowed by sadness a few times a day. I'll be driving down the road minding my own business when i start crying for no apparent reason. hopefully this will subside soon. I mean, it's not even a hormonal thing. (gah, i'm such a woman sometimes)

Beyond that, there's a few things i've done lately to try to cheer myself up.
Most importantly, I went skydiving.

It was awesome. amazing. indescribable. and addictive.

I was on an adrenaline high for days. all i kept thinking was, "i jumped out of a f*cking airplane, i can do anything!"

I really thought this would be a once in a lifetime thing, but now i can't wait to do it again.

(yeesh, wishing i could be hooked on a less expensive hobby)

And, in other news, I've been doing quite a bit of retail therapy. my debit card is currently giving me the silent treatment. she's exhausted. I've gone overboard on boot shopping.

beyond that, i'm really enjoying fall in wisconsin. I was in a depressed fog this time last year, so i feel like i missed out on all of it. This year, i'm trying to make the most of it.
Just the other day i had my first pumpkin spice latte of the season...things are looking up.

Truth.

I've been breaking into spontaneous tears lately.

I'll be going along, minding my own business, when suddenly a salty-liquid starts pouring out of my tear ducts. I hear the gasping sobs, and find myself shocked to realize they're coming from my own mouth.

My therapist pointed out that this is the worst kind of anniversary for me.

It's been a year.

A Year since the hardest part of my life (to date).

In one month's time, I was passed up for a promotion at work, moved home to take care of my dad after major surgery, and flew back to have my husband tell me he was leaving me for someone else.

I think it has to do with the seasons changing. It's automatically reminding my subconscious of the anniversary of doom, even though I'm trying so hard to ignore it.

I try not to think about it. I've come so far in the past year, but still. A month like that would crush the strongest of people (and I am not, in any capacity, the strongest of people).
I'm shocked by what i've accomplished, but i've still got a long way to go.

And i'm not coping well. i mean, technically i'm fine. But rather than be social, i'd rather sit alone in quiet contemplation. I've definitely been eating my feelings. Thank you, 11 pounds i've gained since starting back to work. (the 11 straight weeks of overtime hasn't helped either. it's literally impossible to time-manage my life right now)

i know that there are times to be sad, and times to be joyful. And i guess i'm coming to accept that, for me, this might just be a time to be sad.

If there's anything i've learned in this past year, it's that it's like the tide, and even though it's high now, it will fade.

I just hope it's sooner than later.

GPOYW.

A triumphant return to the blogosphere...no?

Goals*

[to be accomplished by the end of next summer]

• couch to 5k
• lose 20 more lbs
• get-up on water skis
• go on a vacation
• skydive
• pay off credit card

*subject to change throughout the year

It's True

There's a topic i've been avoiding on this blog for a long time...

John and I aren't together anymore.

I'm guessing you've figured it out, but if not, i can tell you that we've been separated since october.
It sucks, yes. But i don't want to dwell on it. I don't want to humiliate him on here. I don't want to play the blame game. I know what happened, and that's enough.

yes, I tried to make amends. I tried so hard. but eventually, i realized that i am a catch. and i want to be with someone who wants to be with me. not someone who feels obligated.

someone who wakes up every morning and thinks how lucky they are to have me.
how they don't deserve me, but they're so glad i chose them.

and i will find that, when i'm ready.

Until them, i'm relearning about myself (sidenote: therapy and alcohol are wonderful coping mechanisms)

and i've found something i haven't felt in awhile.... I'm happy

and for now, that's more than enough.